It’s been more or less 2 months since I’ve put my fingertips to a keyboard to write something that isn’t an essay for uni. But… I’ve often learnt that writer’s block is more of a life block then anything else, really. But,that’s not the point.
I’ve come to realize that I’m more then a little confused. I don’t really know what I’m looking for in a man, and, its more of the if I see it I think I’ll know, kinda thing.
Thing is, I’ve been so independent and self-reliant my whole life, I’m not sure I can just give up control to anyone. Maybe that’s what I’m scared of- not being submissive enough. But, I only think that way during the day- at night I sleep cuddling my stuffie, and dream of being called kitten, slave, slut, and… so much more, lol.
So who’s going to win?
Logic and reason, or… some side of me that I don’t really understand so well.
There’s just something that I’ve finally been able to understand. When I was a kid, I use to love the thought of being held super tight. When I was a teenager, one of my first fantasies were about being caged, naked. Being inspected by someone. That was when I was 13. Yikes. I guess you could say I’ve always been connected with the sexual side of me… it just… I was to afraid to voice it. To tell anyone, my bestfriend even, that I wanted to be caged? God no. That’s just… no. fuck no.
Thirteen years old, and already a freak. I know that I probably shouldn’t call myself that, but… thats what it feels like.
Fuck it’s something I can’t speak about to this day. It’s something I’ve literally never said out loud. I wish I could just ‘fess up and get it over with, but even thinking about it makes me want to shrivel up with anxiety.
I need help.